Everything, All At Once (Music Video)

Despite living with it most of my life, depression is one of the things I find most difficult to describe in conversation with those who don’t experience it regularly.

What’s wrong? What are you sad about? I’ve been asked.And therein lies the tricky part: two questions – always posed out of genuine concern – for which I have no answers. More often than not, there is nothing specifically wrong. No complicated issue to solve.

Most times I’d hesitate to even say I’m sad.


Nobody Breaks My Heart (Music)

In 2015, I randomly discovered a track called Nobody Breaks My Heart by Architekt — a UK-based duo of producers — while browsing Soundcloud. With the help of producer Kevin Pooler, I remixed the track and scribbled some lyrics and melody down to create this version.


you could call me iced over
couldn’t get any colder
if you’d stand on the ocean
a heartbeat in slow motion

i could take you where you’ve never been
and walk you out across a thinning
promise of something i’m not
even though i am all of your thoughts

every step you take im a little deeper
every word we say i fall out from beneath you

i’m scared to let you in
cause i don’t even know myself
but i know just what you want
and it’s pulling me apart

cause i told you from the start
nobody breaks my heart

once you’re down here with me and
the surface is frozen
don’t look back to where you came from
cause everything’s distorted

that’s when you start missing things
everything you could’ve been
instead you’re shivering and
i’ve already numbed

so much you may not warm me
and though you’ve had your warning
you said that i look lonely
drifting in the dark

Empty City (Music)

by Dave Rideout

it’s been dark for hours,
i just wish i could find some rest
instead i’m walking the city
looking to clear my head
it’s like i haven’t seen anyone for days
in a lot of ways, i guess that’s how i like it

there’s been a lot on my mind
and these empty streets got me thinking
there must be more to this life
than just trying to make it through

i walk like my heart’s whole
but when it comes out in the wash
pale and hollow
cold water filling up the sink
face pressed down underneath
gut wrenching on the drink
like the sum of these parts don’t matter

i’ve been here for so long
and i feel like i’ll never change

let’s go back several years, ship sinking,
i’m drinking, she’s drinking,

imbibition meant no inhibitions
we were vicious, i was listless
didn’t know what i was missing
i’d been gone for so long by then

a few more back, i was livin lonely,
chest heavy with a heart that’s frozen
but even before, all i wanted to say
would instead always be stored
deep in my core
somewhere i’d ignore

where it’d start to shape-shift
send chills across my skin
that crept like a sickness
through sad songs about suffering

i’m sorry for coming all this way
while really staying put
i know it’s hard you

but i’m tryna get my head right
no ‘left for dead’, right?
we’re thick and thin right?
i need to hear it again
that you think i can win

Dear Love EP (Full Lyrics)

Below are all of the lyrics I composed for DEAR LOVE’s 2014 EP album. Listen to and learn more about the band on my music page.


the clock counters itself, like we’re caught
trapped playing your games when I just want you to talk
was it something I said, or something you’ve gone and done?

cause baby we’re a wreck if I’ve ever seen one
so twisted and sick, and hard to believe in
something seems so wrong here
what’s going on here?
don’t you see what this does to me?
the way you’re making me bleed?

is this what you wanted?
is this how you wanted it to be?
(just think about it)
tucked down in the back of your mind
by things you don’t want me to find
you’re shaking and shivering

next to the wrongs you’ve done. You’re overrun
and hoping that I never miss the brakes
my adrenaline’s high and I think I just might
leave you like a hit and run

it’s so fitting
tangled up steel and misery
uptight around the collar, you’re colder
all those nights when you’d call, I’d come hold you
and try to figure out what you’re missing
turns out you’re never missing me
why you never listen?
deep down you had a mystery
one I’d been solving for so long, I’d almost forgotten
if I was ever really yours cause you seemed to have lost it


the sky keeps on pouring
and i keep on pouring
whenever i hit the bottom
unless you say you got it

do you forget why we do this?
i forget quite a few things
once the night becomes morning
i don’t know how we got through it

turn the lights off while the sun rises
and we might see the dark when our eyes meet
take your clothes off, lie down beside me
like we’re trying to fix us but
it won’t make any difference

i think we’re sick with the same thing
and we found a medicine in every sip and
between our skin and our hatred
we found the side effects and
the very best of our worst

my mind is all blurry
but we’re in no hurry
it’s like we do this for pleasure
but we both know that we’re hurting
i swear there was something at the start,
like a spark, instead
we tried to cover up our scars with the shots
got the whole world weighing on our hearts, but we’re lost and there’s no trying to fix us cause
it won’t make any difference


there’s a haunted place
deep inside my chest
where you lose your way
when you trust a friend

look me in the face
is this for the best?
this wounded heart’s going grey
and all I can say is you got me spinning

around and around
I start to wonder why
I’m always left behind here
clinging to something
that keeps me giving up
parts of myself to
branches upon the sky
the white around your eyes, red
I’m lost and I’m lonely
you got me spinning

until I feel sick
with your twisted words
and your mal-intent
and your crooked grin

telling me everything is gonna be alright
thought you had my back but now I know
this wounded heart’s going grey
and all I can say is you got me spinning
around and around

i stumble on
every step feels like the one before
nowhere to go and I’m alone

with few stones left to roll
both my soul and my feet are sore
yet your voice still echoes through the wood

sing me to sleep


so near, something to see and touch
your face in the mirror
your shape in the mattress

just hear rhythms up from our lungs
carved deep into silence
that stayed for too long

heads up, eyes ahead
one of those things you don’t forget

move closer (we got it right where we want it)
move closer (don’t even need a reminder)
move as close as you can, it’s not over yet
move closer (no need to wait any longer)
move closer (this’ll be just as I promised)
move as close as you can and take it all in

it’s real – shivers gone unrehearsed
guessing game hands
and toe-curled feet

so still – apart from hearts intertwined
a surreal interruption of melted time

heads up, eyes ahead
one of those things you won’t forget
one of those things you don’t forget

stolen from the tips of tongues
this loss for words is comfortable
these ghosts of ours have come back home
unto their flesh and blood and bones
wrapped up in skin and sweat and glow
just us alone


we used to be like gospel
a constant star I followed
always overhead

like light inside a vacuum
a tree and a fallen apple
it wasn’t blood but it was family
that i thought you’d protect

so where were you when I needed us?
who’d you trade me up for?
now that I’m gonna walk out the door
you won’t stop me, stop me

way back when things were so innocent
when it all felt so sure
now that our paths don’t cross anymore
you won’t stop me, stop me

we were a safe confession
a bond I never questioned
ground broken in youth

like life and death both have us
a crawl before we stand up
universal truth, one i thought you knew

when it all turned in
i hid your blame
you hid your face
i bore the weight

and you let me sink
under their shame
i keep the pain
as all that’s left of you


we’re sick and tired but
there’s a reason and a rhyme
inside of us all

yours has you stacking bricks on the shoreline
mine’s got me digging down to the sea
i know exactly what you want in me but
your bridge is a road that I can’t journey

earth is tearing through your skin, i’m sorry
there’s an element of spite to this
used to think we knew what love meant
but I cannot feel a thing
cannot feel a thing for you

we don’t have a long way to go

while you’re scaling up the walls and the wires
i’ve been carving mortar out underneath
you thought you had a plan up for me but
your bridge will erode into the sea

you’ve been alone,
i’ve been around
what you think you know
i’ve figured out
what you see in me
i’ll find in someone else

you always seem to make believe
that this was something meant to be

but I am crawling from the outside in
dust and gravel blowing in the wind
i’ve got a heart for someone else to mend
and your bridge will crumble to your chagrin